Regret.

I spend a lot of my id wondering what I'll write for my blog.  I'll hear some snippet of news and think; Yepper, I'll write about that.  I was going to write about Kermit Gosnell and abortion, but then I had a talk with my daughter about regret.  Now I can't stop thinking about regret and the choices we make and how sometimes we pay for them for years or even decades.

I'm a rather introspective person and I was raised Catholic so I always remember the actions I've done that might have caused others harm.  I do believe my parents raised me right so I try not to repeat these harmful actions.  As I tell people; I'm not a nice person, I just try to be.

I met a lady almost 30 years ago and still consider her a friend.  If she knocked on the door at o'dark thirty and said she and her family needed a place to crash I would say "You didn't even need to ask".  She has probably saved me some hassles because I would wonder:  What would Julie think?  Would Julie approve?  If I thought the answer was a no I rethought the idea.  In my late teens I was rather self-destructive (I wasn't suicidal, just not acting in my best interests at times).  In a bad phase I wrote Julie a letter and pissed her off.  She hasn't spoken to me since.  Here it is decades later and I finally found her on Facebook.  I sent her a letter, she never responded.  I understand if she thought I'm not a different person and she doesn't want me in her life, I really do.  However, I regret not being able to say:  "Hey Julie, this is my wife and these are my wonderful children".  I regret not being courageous enough to contact her earlier.  I regret that my wife won't know her and my children won't know her child(ren).  I regret sending that first letter.

Sometimes my regret isn't because I did anything wrong but because I couldn't do enough.  When I worked in the clubs a friend of mine asked for a favor.  He knew a dancer that needed a job and he wondered if I would hire her.  I asked what club does she work at, any tattoos that say racial stuff, why is she leaving the club she's at, and where does she rank on a 1-10 scale.  All of his answers were good enough, so I said to tell her when to come in and what to bring.  She showed up on time (unusual for dancers) with everything needed plus professionalism (very unusual).  She was awesome; I liked her because she came in on time and did her job without drama, the dj liked her because she said to play whatever you think will make me money and she tipped him when she came in, the housemom liked her because she tipped her when she came in,  the dancers liked her because she was a clean dancer (and she wasn't a threat), and the waitstaff liked her because she sold champagne and the server got the commission.  One of the managers I worked with thought we should get rid of her because our club needed all 9's and 10's.  He even thought that 6 ladies on a shift that were all perfect would be better for the business than 20 women ranging from 6-10.  I disagreed, unfortunately my boss thought we should give the less is more idea a try.  Even though it was their idea that we should fire this lady it was apparently my job to fire her.  I hated that, it was about 10 years ago and I can still see her face when I told her.

I have faith that her life was better after I fired her and yes, I regret that I couldn't do more for her.